


I Hate and I Love

by KuS



Category: MapleStory
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-19
Updated: 2018-12-19
Packaged: 2019-09-22 18:02:49
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,309
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17064488
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/KuS/pseuds/KuS
Summary: "I hate and I love. Why would I do this, perhaps you ask. I do not know. But I feel that it happens, and I am tormented."Soliloquies by Alber and Ark, inspired by Catullus 85.





	1. A Fool's Anguish

**Author's Note:**

> The order by which you read the chapters does not matter. Chapter 1 is Alber's soliloquy, and chapter 2 is Ark's.

**I hate ******

********

********

That you are an idiot. Not a day goes by where I do not question what you were thinking. I’ve known you for so long, but I am not sure I can say that I know you. I don’t understand you.

We were so different. I remember when we used to bicker about the small things, like what to eat, and what to do. Looking back, we did not agree on many things, if at all. It is amazing that we were best friends despite our differences. We made it work somehow.

We shared a dream. We both wanted to stop the tragedies that were happening. Whatever differences we had, it did not matter in the face of this, for we were united under it.

What happened? What did it mean to you? Why did you falter over something so small?

You should have known what it meant to become a soldier.

**and I love**

That you were such an idiot. Let’s be honest, you weren’t the most gifted person. How many extra laps did you run, and how many times did you drop? How many times did you fail? Too many to count. Any idiot would have known when to give up.

Your wings were fainter than everyone else’s and it showed in your results. I remember the red marks on your papers, the disdain from others. The world was working against you, but you, like the idiot you were, you never let it bring you down. You tried your hardest to overcome your limits.

Whatever it was, you put your full effort and faith into it. I remember the late nights you pulled, the extra work you did to catch up to everyone else. No one else saw your dogged determination, but I did. You fell 999 times, and stood up 1,000. I’ve always admired that about you.

**Why would I do this, perhaps you ask. I do not know, but I feel that it happens,**

Why do I hate you and why do I love you? This is a question that even I cannot answer. Even if I were to name out all of the qualities of yours that I hate and that I love, these things are able to be found elsewhere. Every day, I look at our relationship and wonder why you are significant to me. No tangible reasons are to be found, yet I can’t stop these feelings I have towards you. I just do.

The days turn into weeks, months, years, they turn into decades, and now centuries. Time has not diminished the grief that I feel. Every day, I feel guilt for not being able to convince you. I regret that I was not able to save you from your fate. How are you? Where are you? When will you appear again? What are you doing now? These questions eat at me. I miss you dearly. I want to see you.

You have been gone longer than we’ve known each other. Can you believe that? So much time has passed, and so many things have happened. I’ve seen and done a countless number of unspeakable things. I had to.

The situation has changed now. Nothing from the past is the same. We didn’t know what we were signing up for when we enlisted. We could never have been prepared for this. The circumstances are much more dire than before, but I can’t tell you what’s happened. I had to change and adapt. I have to commit these atrocities. I wish you would understand, but I know that you wouldn’t.

I strived so that I could someday find you again, and stop the tragedies, but now, I can no longer work towards both. Between you and this dream, which one should I protect? I ruminate this question constantly

**And I am tormented.**


	2. An Idiot's Agony

**I hate**

That you’re a fool. Every day, every hour, every second, I am haunted by your decisions, your actions. Looking back, I should have known better. I kind of knew.. But I wanted to have faith in you, that you would make the right decision. When I told you that I couldn’t do it, and you rebuffed me, I… I felt so alone. Who were you? You felt like a stranger to me.

We were polar opposites. I remember, we spent so long arguing about what to eat, and what to do. Did we even agree on anything at all? I wonder how we were best friends despite this. Somehow though, we were.

We shared a dream. We both wanted to stop the tragedies that were happening. Whatever differences we had, it did not matter in the face of this, for we were united under it.

What happened? Were we dreaming of the same thing? Where did we go wrong? 

How could you support a cause so cruel?

**and I love**

That you were such a fool. Any fool would have known to have given up on me, the failure with no magical talent. I was useless, talentless trash. I was a disgrace. No one believed in me. No one ever wanted to be my partner. No one wanted to associate with me.

No one but you. You stayed up with me when I pulled all nighters to avoid flunking. In the academy, you always partnered up with me even though I would only drag you down. When I felt overwhelmed, when I almost broke, there you were, smiling and encouraging me on.

I’ve thanked you many times before, but I don’t think you’ll ever understand how much it meant to me. I was only able to make it this far because of you.

**Why would I do this, prehaps you ask. I do not know, but I feel that it happens,**

How should I feel about you? The flashbacks, the nightmares, they make every waking second torture for me. I can’t escape them. I remember your face, your cold words, your lack of empathy. And it makes me reject you. I don’t want to accept what you’ve become. I don’t want this. I hate this Alber.

Hate… There are a lot of things I don’t remember. The Abyss took most of my memories from me, yet I remember my anger and hatred towards you. It engulfs me, filling my mind with fury.

Even so, I can’t let go of our friendship. After everything that has happened, I can’t give up on you. You act cold and tough, but if that really was the case, then why did you go easy on me when we met again? Why did you keep the medal all this time?

I really hate you. I hate what you’ve become. But I also love that you were always there for me.

I don’t know why I bother with these feelings, but I do. I could walk away from it all and be free. I could surrender to my other half and relinquish my burdens, but I don’t.

You may have abandoned the promise now, but that doesn’t change the fact that I haven’t. I’ll protect you. I swear I’ll save you.

I want to. I do, but… There’s still a fear in my heart: What if I can’t? What if you can’t be saved and I have no choice but to kill you?

If that time comes, I will stop you, even if I have to become a monster.

I don’t think it will, because I know, I feel that somewhere, you’re still the Alber that I know and love.

But what if you aren’t?

I know I said that I will stop you. But If I do, what will that mean about our promise? What if I fail it, like I’ve done all my life? This thought won’t leave my mind. I think about it constantly

**And I am tormented.**

**Author's Note:**

> The original poem:   
> Odi et amo. Quare id faciam fortasse requiris. Nescio, sed fieri sentio et excrucior.
> 
> When I first read Catullus 85, I didn't think much of it. It was just another poem to Lesbia. I came across it again, and realized the poignancy of the poem. It hit me like a truck. When I thought about it in the context of Alark, I had to write something for it.
> 
> I've had this in my drafts for a long time, but put it off for school. I was really fired up about this, but my drive has died after letting it marinate for so long. I'm pushing this out to fulfill a promise to myself that I would.
> 
> I hope you've enjoyed this work. If you have any comments, questions, or constructive criticisms, please don't hesitate to let me know.


End file.
